1. Sweet zombie Jesus! !


    Professor Farnsworth

  2. But living is basically all I do!


    Fry —- Futurama

  3. Plays: 0

    Damn funny….

  4. Lolawesomel

  5. Free Lager For Free Labor

    (I’ve just fixed a customer’s laptop which had an issue outputting to a monitor. I decide not to charge him, as the problem is minor and the fix didn’t take very long.)

    Customer: “Thanks a lot for that. I appreciate it. Wait here a sec.”

    (The customer leaves the store and I continue serving customers. Half an hour later, he returns.)

    Customer: “Here you go, mate. Hope you drink lager!”

    (He puts a case of beer down on my counter and begins walking out.)

    Me: “Whaa… are you serious? What’s this for?”

    Customer: “For fixing my laptop!”

    Me: “I… I really appreciate it, but you didn’t need to—”

    Customer: “You fixed my problem quickly and with a smile. I’m not the best with technology but you were very patient with me, which is more than I can say about the staff over at [Competitor]. So enjoy that, and I’ll definitely be shopping here again!”

    (That guy made my shift!)

    Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:

    (Source: notalwaysright.com)

  6. Hear Her Evil, See Her Evil, Speak Her Evil

    (One of my coworkers has partial hearing loss in her right ear, and has a medical condition that has caused her to lose almost all of her peripheral vision in her right eye. On this day, she’s putting away a cartload of items and just happens to be working directly under a speaker. A customer approaches her from the right, and speaks very, very softly.)

    Customer: *very softly* “Excuse me; where are your bedsheets?”

    Coworker: *doesn’t hear her and keeps working*

    Customer: “Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?!”

    (Suddenly, the customer KICKS my coworker in the hip. The kick is so hard that my coworker has to catch herself so she doesn’t fall over.)

    Customer: “How DARE you ignore me?!”

    Coworker: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am! I didn’t see you.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! I was standing right here! Everyone has peripheral vision!”

    Coworker: “Except for people with vision problems, ma’am. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Then you should’ve heard me!”

    Coworker: “I also have partial hearing loss, and that…” *points up at the ceiling* “…is a speaker.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be checking every direction for customers every five seconds!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, is there something I can help you with? I don’t actually work on the sales floor; I work in the stock room, and I have to get back…”

    (My coworker ends up helping the customer and taking her to the bedsheets section. However, later I hear the customer complaining to my manager.)

    Customer: “…and she just ignored me! And then she kicked me and called me a b****!”

    Manager: “I’m so, so so sorry! I’ve never seen her act like that.”

    Me: “…Sir?”

    Manager: “Not now.”

    Me: “But I witnessed the incident.”

    Customer: *goes pale* “I didn’t see you anywhere nearby!”

    Me: “I was ten feet away, in the clothing racks. Ma’am, YOU kicked HER when you thought she was ignoring you and yelled at her.”

    Manager: *lightbulb goes on* “She was on [Coworker]‘s right, wasn’t she?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Manager: *to the customer* “Well, ma’am, under these circumstances I can’t give you any discounts, nor will I. I’m not giving you anything for free, and I’m going to call corporate myself to tell them what happened. I’ve got video cameras and an employee witness. You assaulted one of my associates. Get out of my store!”

    (The customer did try to call corporate. When they hung up on her, she called the cops, who reviewed the tape and nearly arrested her!)

    Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:

    (Source: notalwaysright.com)

  7. 1. Internships are the building blocks of your résumé. Apply to them. Meet people.
    2. Choose a degree that is relevant to the real world. Minor in History if you love it so much.
    3. Everyone knows how to use Microsoft Office. Putting it under the “Skills” section of your résumé is not impressive.
    4. See the world. This is the only time you have in your life to spend months in a foreign country. Take advantage of your lack of responsibility to travel.
    5. 99.9% of employers will never look at your transcript. A 4.0 GPA will not land you a job. Good interpersonal skills might.
    6. No employer cares whether you were on the executive board of your fraternity or sorority or other campus organization. Serve the organization because you love it, not simply to use it as space-filler on your résumé.
    7. Proofread everything. Twice. Or else no one will believe that you’re “detial-oriented.”
    8. You have four (or five) years to make something of yourself. Use that time wisely.
    9. Go out with your friends on a Tuesday night despite having a test on Wednesday. The test won’t matter in ten years, but your friendships will.
    10. Do not expect the college senior to fall in love with you after you sleep together. Actually, just don’t sleep together. This will not end well.
    11. Really get to know your professors. Use office hours to your advantage. You never know what doors they can open for you.
    12. Graduate school is rarely a good idea, especially if you’re only using it to delay the real world for a few years. The more money you make now, the less debt you’ll have later.
    13. Realize that you will be in debt until you’re forty. Make peace with this early.
    14. One bad grade won’t ruin your life. Get over yourself.
    15. Beware of credit cards. No matter what they say, money isn’t free.
    16. Don’t burn bridges. You never know when you might need help from someone.
    17. Eat good food. Nothing will make you feel worse than six straight nights of Ramen.
    18. Buy a plunger before you actually need said plunger. Just trust me on this one.
    19. Press save. It will keep you from having that 4:00am mental breakdown.
    20. All-nighters will not help you learn the material. Budget time throughout the day to study so that you can actually sleep before the final exam.
    21. Use a condom. No one wants that “I’m late” text.
    22. Work during the summers. Employers want someone with real-life experience.
    23. Call your mom once a week. She wants to stay involved in your life, and a twenty-minute phone conversation won’t kill you.
    24. You have four years to learn your alcohol limit. This will save you from puking at the office Christmas party.
    25. The college cafeteria will make you fat. So will alcohol. Be careful about what you’re putting into your body.
    26. Find a few hours each week to work out. Cardio is great stress relief.
    27. So is sex. Booty calls are sometimes necessary. Don’t beat yourself up for it in the morning.
    28. Learn to cook. Eating out is expensive and unhealthy. A few basics can last you a long time.
    29. Take pictures. Not everything has to be posted to Instagram, but you will want to have these memories documented.
    30. Volunteer. Not because you have to, but because you want to. The Humane Society always needs people to play with the animals.
    31. Learn how to budget. Your parents won’t be around to give you money forever.
    32. Buy shower shoes. Use them. Save yourself from foot fungus.
    33. Beer is expensive. Buy vodka.
    34. Interviews are nerve-wracking. Practice with a friend before you go.
    35. Find good references. They can be the difference between being offered your dream job and being turned down.
    36. It’s okay to turn down your first job offer to wait for a better one. Have faith in yourself.
    37. If you’re treated like a slave at your internship, it’s okay to leave. Find a company that sees your worth.
    38. Learn how to code HTML. This is an invaluable skill.
    39. Also learn Photoshop. Every company in the world needs someone who can design a poster.
    40. Take a couple classes just for fun. There’s a difference between smart and educated.
    41. Know your priorities. Stick to them.
    42. Start searching for a job a year before you graduate. It takes time to find something you want.
    43. Apply for jobs you may not be completely qualified for. You may be the only applicant.
    44. Don’t get too discouraged when you fail at something. Lay in bed for two days. Cry. Then get back up and start living again.
    45. Everyone has something to teach you. Listen to them.
    46. Make mistakes, but be sure to learn from them.
    47. Textbooks are expensive and you will never need them again. Rent, don’t buy.
    48. No one will ever care how wasted you were last night. They saw it first hand. Shut up.
    49. No one is responsible for you except you. Think twice before you do something.
    50. Don’t think that these have to be the best four years of your life. Life after graduation is pretty awesome too.
    — 50 Things I Wish I Knew in College (x)

    Damn….if I had only heard #2 before changing my majors in college…that would have saved me quite a bit of trouble….lol

    (Source: playitagain)

  8. image: Download

  9. FOOL YOU!!!
    — Dark Helmet — spaceballs
  10. BONE…..ITIS!!!
    — That Guy — futurama